As you all know Plan "B" has vowed to fight against the New World Order. I found this video on youtube last night and I think its a great depiction of what's going on with the US economy right now and in the coming future. It's kinda scary but dead on. Take some time out and watch the video and lemme know what you think.
Monday, February 22, 2010
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
CURLING!!
Hey everybody Plan "B" back with some blog action!
Just wanted to say thanks to all the followers of the Plan "B" blogspot. There's been a lot of positive response to the site and Plan "B" appreciates the love. Keep voting on the poll and dont be afraid to post some comments! I know a lot of you have some smartass comments you're thinking of so put em down, I aint scared to battle!
Another snowy day here in NY, yippy. I'm just chillin at my crib, former known as "the crackspot" now known as "the fortress of solitude". You been watching the winter Olympics?? Yea, me either. Not a big fan of the winter Olympics, even thought they tried to spice it up this year by killing that Luger. Total ratings ploy.
The one event I am a big fan of is CURLING! Curling is the shit! In case you dont know, Curling is the event where one guy throws the rock and the other guys use the brooms to sweep the ice. It's like Bocce ball but on ice. Curling is HUGE in Canada. It's the second most viewed sport in the country behind, of course, Hockey. Curling in America really isn't that big but it's been gaining in popularity...it was even the focus of a Simpsons episode recently where Marge and Homer become Olympic Curlers. Hilarious!
Most people who watch Curling think that it's really easy and that anyone could be good at it. Let me tell you, its not as easy as it looks...but it kinda is. Allow me to explain. After the last winter Olympics, in whatever country it was at, I was hot for Curling. Being the excellent athlete that I am, I was looking for a new sporting challenge and Curling was the drink that would quench my thirst.
As luck would have it, there was a Curling club in near by Westchester that was hosting an open house for new members. I found a crew of like minded individuals who were down with Curling and we formed a team. We all went in feeling pretty confident that we'd do it a few times, become awesome at it and eventually be contenders for the 2010 Olympics. We were wrong.
Curling is a game of precision and accuracy. You need to have strong balance if you're gonna be any good at it because you're running on ice. Our team would always Curl on Sunday mornings, which wasn't good for balance because we'd always show up hungover. Many a busted ass. After a match the club preferred teams hang out in the clubhouse and socialize. The clubhouse was really nice, it was like a ski lodge, but we hated the forced socialization. The people at this particular Curling club were some of the biggest nerds I'd ever seen in my life. We were the youngest group of people there, everyone else was like 45 years old and up. If we weren't talking about Curling there would be a lot of awkward silence.
Our team struggled throughout the season. We maybe won 1 or 2 games if that... Like, I said it's not as easy as it looks on TV. You get mad tired when you're trying to sweep that ice and run at the same time! I enjoyed playing all positions on the ice (there's 4 of em ) but the best part of Curling is when you get the throw the rock, or also known as the stone. That's the time when you get to slide on the ice! Mad fun! The club provided players with teflon 'boots' that you'd attach to the sole of your sneaker. That shit would make you fly down the ice! If you couldn't handle the teflon 'boot' they'd give you some hospital type cloth you could put over your sneaker but you wouldn't slide as far. It was for pussies. I was the only one on our team to master the teflon... clearly I was the best!
The season ended and so did our hopes of becoming Olympic Curlers. Like I said, I was the best on the team. I probably would have made the Curling All-Star team if they had one, but they didn't. Our team never returned for a second season, mainly because 2 of us never paid the club fee to play. That shit was $200! Plus the cost of drinks during the forced socialization! The club still sends me a bill every month and laugh at their persistence. I rip it up and throw it in the garbage but at the same time remembering the great times I had Curling while hungover.
Just wanted to say thanks to all the followers of the Plan "B" blogspot. There's been a lot of positive response to the site and Plan "B" appreciates the love. Keep voting on the poll and dont be afraid to post some comments! I know a lot of you have some smartass comments you're thinking of so put em down, I aint scared to battle!
Another snowy day here in NY, yippy. I'm just chillin at my crib, former known as "the crackspot" now known as "the fortress of solitude". You been watching the winter Olympics?? Yea, me either. Not a big fan of the winter Olympics, even thought they tried to spice it up this year by killing that Luger. Total ratings ploy.
The one event I am a big fan of is CURLING! Curling is the shit! In case you dont know, Curling is the event where one guy throws the rock and the other guys use the brooms to sweep the ice. It's like Bocce ball but on ice. Curling is HUGE in Canada. It's the second most viewed sport in the country behind, of course, Hockey. Curling in America really isn't that big but it's been gaining in popularity...it was even the focus of a Simpsons episode recently where Marge and Homer become Olympic Curlers. Hilarious!
Most people who watch Curling think that it's really easy and that anyone could be good at it. Let me tell you, its not as easy as it looks...but it kinda is. Allow me to explain. After the last winter Olympics, in whatever country it was at, I was hot for Curling. Being the excellent athlete that I am, I was looking for a new sporting challenge and Curling was the drink that would quench my thirst.
As luck would have it, there was a Curling club in near by Westchester that was hosting an open house for new members. I found a crew of like minded individuals who were down with Curling and we formed a team. We all went in feeling pretty confident that we'd do it a few times, become awesome at it and eventually be contenders for the 2010 Olympics. We were wrong.
Curling is a game of precision and accuracy. You need to have strong balance if you're gonna be any good at it because you're running on ice. Our team would always Curl on Sunday mornings, which wasn't good for balance because we'd always show up hungover. Many a busted ass. After a match the club preferred teams hang out in the clubhouse and socialize. The clubhouse was really nice, it was like a ski lodge, but we hated the forced socialization. The people at this particular Curling club were some of the biggest nerds I'd ever seen in my life. We were the youngest group of people there, everyone else was like 45 years old and up. If we weren't talking about Curling there would be a lot of awkward silence.
Our team struggled throughout the season. We maybe won 1 or 2 games if that... Like, I said it's not as easy as it looks on TV. You get mad tired when you're trying to sweep that ice and run at the same time! I enjoyed playing all positions on the ice (there's 4 of em ) but the best part of Curling is when you get the throw the rock, or also known as the stone. That's the time when you get to slide on the ice! Mad fun! The club provided players with teflon 'boots' that you'd attach to the sole of your sneaker. That shit would make you fly down the ice! If you couldn't handle the teflon 'boot' they'd give you some hospital type cloth you could put over your sneaker but you wouldn't slide as far. It was for pussies. I was the only one on our team to master the teflon... clearly I was the best!
The season ended and so did our hopes of becoming Olympic Curlers. Like I said, I was the best on the team. I probably would have made the Curling All-Star team if they had one, but they didn't. Our team never returned for a second season, mainly because 2 of us never paid the club fee to play. That shit was $200! Plus the cost of drinks during the forced socialization! The club still sends me a bill every month and laugh at their persistence. I rip it up and throw it in the garbage but at the same time remembering the great times I had Curling while hungover.
Sunday, January 31, 2010
The Grammy's with special guest Brendan Gray
Welcome to Plan "B's" Grammy show blog!
Special guest sitting in with me for today's blog, comedian and friend Mr. Brendan Gray!!! We're gonna watch the Grammy's and give our own commentary about what were watching.
Plan B: So, Brendan thanks for being here...
Brendan: Thanks Plan...but actually you came to my apartment so thank YOU for being here!
Plan B: Yea you're right about that. You have a real cozy place here btw...
Brendan: Yea its aiiiight...it's home...oh, and I just wanted to say that I'm a huge fan of you and your blog
Plan B: Wow this is turning into a real dickriding festival
Brendan: It is what it is...
Plan B: Any predictions for the show? Anything you're looking for??
Brendan: uhhh, not really. Hoping to see some good performances, hot bitches, and something ridiculous.
Plan B: Ok, shows about to start. you ready??
Brendan: Let's do it!
Lady Gaga opens the show:
Plan B: Lady Gaga looks like the female version of Marilyn Manson
Brendan: I'm afraid of her...
Plan B: Shes like tinkerbell on acid.
Brendan: Id like to poke her face....with my cock!
Plan B: whoa nice ass Gaga
Brendan: Im surprised shes actually a good singer!
Plan B: Elton John duet, nice, strong opener.
Song of the year, Beyonce "Put a Ring on it":
Brendan: Ah man, I was hoping Gaga was gonna win she looks like she'd make a hilarious speech!
Plan B: No Beyonce to accept? wack!
Brendan: Damn they hit those dudes with the music real quick!
Plan B: No one wants to see those guys anyways, they're nobody's...
J-Lo presents Green Day n other:
Plan B: Damn J-Lo fell off...
Brendan: Word, shes been out assed by Beyonce
Plan B: You like Green Day??
Brendan: Yea, I mean I never bought any of their albums but they're cool I guess...
Brendan: I like the name of one of their albums...Dookie! haha Dookie...
Plan B: Dookie stinks! haha! get it?? Dookie stinks????
Brendan: This might be the best blog yet!!
Kristin Bell n some dude present Best Country:
Brendan: Kristin Bell looks good but shes mad short!
Plan B: What a surprise Taylor Swift won...
Brendan: I would have voted for 'who gives a fuck'
The Mentalist presents Beyonce:
Plan B: Is every actor fucking british or Australian!?
Plan B: Whoa, Beyonce coming in with a New World Order theme
Brendan: haha! word, its like Martial Law @ the Grammys!!
Plan B: Word on the street is that Jayz is a freemason and shes married to him so.....
Brendan: Hey, anything's possible...
Plan B: Interesting Alanis Morissette cover
Brendan: Ah I wish she would have said the "fuck her" part, that would have been hot!
Plan B: Ya know I was thinking that Beyonce was rocking a wig but shes tossing that hair around w/o caution. I guess its real.
Seal presents Pink:
Brendan: Ugh, I cant believe Seal gets to cream up Heidi Klum
Plan B: He's gotta be huge...
Brendan: .............
Plan B: Oh great, Pink. She's kinda lame
Brendan: I agree I'm not feeling her. She's not even pink anymore! How bout showing some pink Pink!
Plan B: Holy shit! Maybe she heard you! She's damn near naked!
Brendan: Pssh, shock value. I mean I'm not complaining...
Plan B: Cirque de so-gay. Take that shit back to the big top "Pink"
Keith Urban and some broad present Best New Artist:
Plan B: I never heard of any of these people...
Brendan: I heard of that song "thats' not my name" but I didnt know it was by The Ting Tings!
Plan B: Meh, the Zack Brown Band wins...
Brendan: I was really pulling for The Ting Tings...
Miley Cyrus presents Black Eye Peas:
Brendan: I dont like her and her down south twang
Plan B: Yea...I feel like shes a real slut on the down low.
Brendan: I'll give you 100 bucks if you can name non fergie/ will I am black eye peas...
Plan B: Uhhh, Bruce Leroy and Africa Bambata?
Plan B: Black Eye Peas put on a pretty good show.
Brendan: Yea, I want them to perform at my sweet 16 party this year
Jonas Bros presents Lady Antabella:
Plan B: I think this will be a good time to blaze up.
Brendan: That's great dude but I dont smoke pot anymore...
Plan B: What?!!?
Brendan: Yea...I'm off the pot dawg.
Plan B: Sucks for you BRObama....
Brendan: Take that shit outside!!
2 people we dont know present Best Comedy Album:
Brendan: Oh great category! This is our industry!
Plan B: Wow, what a disappointing group of nominees
Plan B: Maybe one day one of us will have a grammy nominated comedy album...
Brendan: I doubt it, I can barely do 10 minutes...
Plan B: Colbert wins. I'm not mad at that, I would have voted Weird Al
Brendan: Id bang Colbert's daughter....
Norah Jones and Ringo Starr present Record of the Year:
Brendan: I met Ringo once when I interned at NBC. He stepped on my foot in an elevator and said "sorry mate" It was pretty cool.
Plan B: Who the fuck are the Kings of Leon?? I always hear about these dudes!
Brendan: I dont know who they are either but they look like nerds.
Plan B: That may be so but I can guarantee they're getting more pussy then either of us.
Brendan: That's a given...
Robert Downey Jr. presents Jamie Foxx and T-Pain:
Plan B: This song gets played about 10 times a night in every bar/club in america
Brendan: Hmmm, the auto tune is sounding weak live
Plan B: OMG T-Pain was in disguise! I had no idea!!
Brendan: Awww shit the human beat box, dougie fresh!!!
Plan B: uhh who invited Precious???
Brendan: Oh!!! Nice, Slash!!!
Plan B: That was a weird combination of people...
Brendan: It was kinda like a hot dog. Small groupings of different body parts to create one delicious treat!
Katy Perry and Alice Cooper present Best Rock Album:
Brendan: I'm not a big rock fan but I like all these groups.
Plan B: Green Day wins, that's no surprise they just performed 5 minutes ago.
Chris O'Donnell presents Zack Brown Band
Brendan: Remember when Chris O'Donnell played Robin in Batman and Robin??
Plan B: Yea, I don't think I can picture him as any other role...
Brendan: The Zack Brown Band remind me of the Country Bear Jamboree in Disney World
Brendan: All they're missing is a guy playing a big Triple- X jug of moonshine.
Ryan Seacrest presents Taylor Swift:
Plan B: Did Seacrest just call her phenomenal??
Brendan: He's prolly trying to hit...
Plan B: She's so wholesome! Middle America just exploded in their underpants...
Plan B: Ok, Stevie Nix jumping on stage...
Brendan: Stevie looks like she just mainlined some her-ron. That's why shes wearing those long gloves, to hide the tracks!
Brendan: Taylor Swift = No Ass
Lionel Richie presents Michael Jackson Tribute
Plan B: Got love for Lionel...
Brendan: He was just in a Simpsons episode where he sang "Say you Say me" to Homer but Homer made him change the words to beer, so it went "hey you, beer me" so funny.
Plan B: Am I really blazed cuz the screen is bugged out!
Brendan: Nah dude it's a 3-D special thing...like Avatar but not as cool
Plan B: This is some great weed because I'm seeing in 3-D without the glasses!
Brendan: I envy you.
Brendan: Best Michael Jackson 3-D movie...Captain EO...that was the shit!
Plan B: Excellent performance, although the 3-D was unnecessary! RIP MJ
Plan B: Wait a second!!! MJ's kids come out to accept lifetime achievement award!!
Brendan: They are very, very white...and very, very creepy!!! whoa, i just got a chill down my spine!
Brendan: They got a children of the corn thing going on. must. kill. plan. B.....
Cheryl Crow presents Bon Jovi
Brendan: Jovi rocks!!
Plan B: They should have had the cast of Jersey Shore introduce them...
Brendan: What song do you think is gonna win the online vote???
Plan B: Gotta be Living on a Prayer...hands down. Classic bar song.
Plan B: Prayer it is!!! you called it! I bet it got 98% of the votes...
Brendan: Awww shit Richie Sambora busting out the original Auto-tune! Suck that T-Pain!
Mos Def and Placido Domingo present Best Rap collabo:
Brendan: Word to the wise: If Mos Def is in a movie its gonna suck...
Plan B:Why is he even there he hasnt made music in 10 years...
Brendan: "Run this Town" is the winner and Kanye isnt even there to embarrass himself
Plan B: I feel like Riahanna is from the year 2581....
Brendan: Ugh, get that stupid kid outta there!
Plan B: Oh come on, he's adorable!!!
Brendan: Grrrrr....
Wyclef Jean presents Haiti Tribute:
Brendan: I dont need Wyclef to teach me how to speak Creole, I went to Nyack High School...
Plan B: Worst Earthquake in mankind??? Debatable....google that shit...
Brendan: Hey it's that blind opera singer!!!
Plan B: Is he singing in creole??? You wanna translate???
Brendan: haha...nah i'm good. I only know catch phrases. feme le boosh!!!
President of The RIAA and Dave Matthews Band:
Brendan: I hate this part! This is where this jerk off comes up and tells the viewers to stop illegal downloading.
Plan B: Illegal bootlegging forever!!!
Brendan: Oh, good hes done talking and he brings up Adam Sandler!
Plan B: haha! Sandler nice joke before introducing the Dave Matthews Band
Brendan: Geez, DMB got more people on stage then a Wu Tang Clan performance.
Brendan: I dont know what it is about DMB but their music makes me sleepy...
Ricky Martin and a girl from Glee present Best Female Pop :
Plan B: Ricky Martin is pandering to the crowd for applause...tisk tisk tisk
Brendan: Beyonce wins for best female pop and best cleavage
Plan B: OMG she thanked her husband!!! That's a first!
Brendan: Young Hova be long dickin'!
LL Cool J presents Maxwell:
Plan B: Hmmm...I have no thoughts on Maxwell...he sounds good live
Brendan: I gotta be honest I'm getting pretty tired of doing all the typing
Plan B: Suck it up buddy the shows almost over....
Brendan: Maxwell cant hang with John Legend
Jeff Bridges presents Jeff Beck
Plan B: Is Jeff Beck the Beck from Beck??
Brendan: I dont think so...I think Beck is his own Beck.
Plan B: What the Beck!?
Plan B: siiiiigh...I think we're starting to run thin on material....
Brendan: I'm surprised we made it this far!
Quentin Tarantino presents Drake, lil Wayne, Eminem and Travis Barker:
Plan B: WOW power packed performance...lets hope it lives up...
Brendan: Geez, they're delaying half of waynes verse...
Plan B: Marshall Mathers!!
Brendan: Meh...dont really like Drake. He's a nickelodeon actor! that aint gangsta!!!
Plan B: Plus he's a black jew....
Brendan: that's like a double negative...
Brendan: Em can spit! why can't he rap like that all the time??
Plan B: They're delaying the fuck out this performance!
Brendan: That was pretty good....not enough to make me like Drake...
John Legend and Carlos Santana present Album of the Year:
Brendan: Finally!!
Plan B: hahaha...Lady Gaga looks retarded
Brendan: I really hope she wins....I wanna hear her speak...
Brendan: OMG! Taylor Swift!?!? ugh, so lame...
Plan B: Looks like Taylor Swift is America's new sweetheart.
Brendan: 2 years from now she'll be in a sex scandal....you heard it hear first!
Well there you have it folks, grammy commentary from 2 hack comics. Hope you liked it! I'd like to thank Brendan Gray for having me over to his place and providing Snapple! Any last thoughts Brendan...
Well I thought the show was pretty good, lots of good performances. I was a little disappointed that Lady Gaga didn't win any awards because I really wanted to hear her talk, I feel like she would sound like an alien. Other then that I had a really good time and I want to thank you for having me on your blog!
Plan "B" out....
Special guest sitting in with me for today's blog, comedian and friend Mr. Brendan Gray!!! We're gonna watch the Grammy's and give our own commentary about what were watching.
Plan B: So, Brendan thanks for being here...
Brendan: Thanks Plan...but actually you came to my apartment so thank YOU for being here!
Plan B: Yea you're right about that. You have a real cozy place here btw...
Brendan: Yea its aiiiight...it's home...oh, and I just wanted to say that I'm a huge fan of you and your blog
Plan B: Wow this is turning into a real dickriding festival
Brendan: It is what it is...
Plan B: Any predictions for the show? Anything you're looking for??
Brendan: uhhh, not really. Hoping to see some good performances, hot bitches, and something ridiculous.
Plan B: Ok, shows about to start. you ready??
Brendan: Let's do it!
Lady Gaga opens the show:
Plan B: Lady Gaga looks like the female version of Marilyn Manson
Brendan: I'm afraid of her...
Plan B: Shes like tinkerbell on acid.
Brendan: Id like to poke her face....with my cock!
Plan B: whoa nice ass Gaga
Brendan: Im surprised shes actually a good singer!
Plan B: Elton John duet, nice, strong opener.
Song of the year, Beyonce "Put a Ring on it":
Brendan: Ah man, I was hoping Gaga was gonna win she looks like she'd make a hilarious speech!
Plan B: No Beyonce to accept? wack!
Brendan: Damn they hit those dudes with the music real quick!
Plan B: No one wants to see those guys anyways, they're nobody's...
J-Lo presents Green Day n other:
Plan B: Damn J-Lo fell off...
Brendan: Word, shes been out assed by Beyonce
Plan B: You like Green Day??
Brendan: Yea, I mean I never bought any of their albums but they're cool I guess...
Brendan: I like the name of one of their albums...Dookie! haha Dookie...
Plan B: Dookie stinks! haha! get it?? Dookie stinks????
Brendan: This might be the best blog yet!!
Kristin Bell n some dude present Best Country:
Brendan: Kristin Bell looks good but shes mad short!
Plan B: What a surprise Taylor Swift won...
Brendan: I would have voted for 'who gives a fuck'
The Mentalist presents Beyonce:
Plan B: Is every actor fucking british or Australian!?
Plan B: Whoa, Beyonce coming in with a New World Order theme
Brendan: haha! word, its like Martial Law @ the Grammys!!
Plan B: Word on the street is that Jayz is a freemason and shes married to him so.....
Brendan: Hey, anything's possible...
Plan B: Interesting Alanis Morissette cover
Brendan: Ah I wish she would have said the "fuck her" part, that would have been hot!
Plan B: Ya know I was thinking that Beyonce was rocking a wig but shes tossing that hair around w/o caution. I guess its real.
Seal presents Pink:
Brendan: Ugh, I cant believe Seal gets to cream up Heidi Klum
Plan B: He's gotta be huge...
Brendan: .............
Plan B: Oh great, Pink. She's kinda lame
Brendan: I agree I'm not feeling her. She's not even pink anymore! How bout showing some pink Pink!
Plan B: Holy shit! Maybe she heard you! She's damn near naked!
Brendan: Pssh, shock value. I mean I'm not complaining...
Plan B: Cirque de so-gay. Take that shit back to the big top "Pink"
Keith Urban and some broad present Best New Artist:
Plan B: I never heard of any of these people...
Brendan: I heard of that song "thats' not my name" but I didnt know it was by The Ting Tings!
Plan B: Meh, the Zack Brown Band wins...
Brendan: I was really pulling for The Ting Tings...
Miley Cyrus presents Black Eye Peas:
Brendan: I dont like her and her down south twang
Plan B: Yea...I feel like shes a real slut on the down low.
Brendan: I'll give you 100 bucks if you can name non fergie/ will I am black eye peas...
Plan B: Uhhh, Bruce Leroy and Africa Bambata?
Plan B: Black Eye Peas put on a pretty good show.
Brendan: Yea, I want them to perform at my sweet 16 party this year
Jonas Bros presents Lady Antabella:
Plan B: I think this will be a good time to blaze up.
Brendan: That's great dude but I dont smoke pot anymore...
Plan B: What?!!?
Brendan: Yea...I'm off the pot dawg.
Plan B: Sucks for you BRObama....
Brendan: Take that shit outside!!
2 people we dont know present Best Comedy Album:
Brendan: Oh great category! This is our industry!
Plan B: Wow, what a disappointing group of nominees
Plan B: Maybe one day one of us will have a grammy nominated comedy album...
Brendan: I doubt it, I can barely do 10 minutes...
Plan B: Colbert wins. I'm not mad at that, I would have voted Weird Al
Brendan: Id bang Colbert's daughter....
Norah Jones and Ringo Starr present Record of the Year:
Brendan: I met Ringo once when I interned at NBC. He stepped on my foot in an elevator and said "sorry mate" It was pretty cool.
Plan B: Who the fuck are the Kings of Leon?? I always hear about these dudes!
Brendan: I dont know who they are either but they look like nerds.
Plan B: That may be so but I can guarantee they're getting more pussy then either of us.
Brendan: That's a given...
Robert Downey Jr. presents Jamie Foxx and T-Pain:
Plan B: This song gets played about 10 times a night in every bar/club in america
Brendan: Hmmm, the auto tune is sounding weak live
Plan B: OMG T-Pain was in disguise! I had no idea!!
Brendan: Awww shit the human beat box, dougie fresh!!!
Plan B: uhh who invited Precious???
Brendan: Oh!!! Nice, Slash!!!
Plan B: That was a weird combination of people...
Brendan: It was kinda like a hot dog. Small groupings of different body parts to create one delicious treat!
Katy Perry and Alice Cooper present Best Rock Album:
Brendan: I'm not a big rock fan but I like all these groups.
Plan B: Green Day wins, that's no surprise they just performed 5 minutes ago.
Chris O'Donnell presents Zack Brown Band
Brendan: Remember when Chris O'Donnell played Robin in Batman and Robin??
Plan B: Yea, I don't think I can picture him as any other role...
Brendan: The Zack Brown Band remind me of the Country Bear Jamboree in Disney World
Brendan: All they're missing is a guy playing a big Triple- X jug of moonshine.
Ryan Seacrest presents Taylor Swift:
Plan B: Did Seacrest just call her phenomenal??
Brendan: He's prolly trying to hit...
Plan B: She's so wholesome! Middle America just exploded in their underpants...
Plan B: Ok, Stevie Nix jumping on stage...
Brendan: Stevie looks like she just mainlined some her-ron. That's why shes wearing those long gloves, to hide the tracks!
Brendan: Taylor Swift = No Ass
Lionel Richie presents Michael Jackson Tribute
Plan B: Got love for Lionel...
Brendan: He was just in a Simpsons episode where he sang "Say you Say me" to Homer but Homer made him change the words to beer, so it went "hey you, beer me" so funny.
Plan B: Am I really blazed cuz the screen is bugged out!
Brendan: Nah dude it's a 3-D special thing...like Avatar but not as cool
Plan B: This is some great weed because I'm seeing in 3-D without the glasses!
Brendan: I envy you.
Brendan: Best Michael Jackson 3-D movie...Captain EO...that was the shit!
Plan B: Excellent performance, although the 3-D was unnecessary! RIP MJ
Plan B: Wait a second!!! MJ's kids come out to accept lifetime achievement award!!
Brendan: They are very, very white...and very, very creepy!!! whoa, i just got a chill down my spine!
Brendan: They got a children of the corn thing going on. must. kill. plan. B.....
Cheryl Crow presents Bon Jovi
Brendan: Jovi rocks!!
Plan B: They should have had the cast of Jersey Shore introduce them...
Brendan: What song do you think is gonna win the online vote???
Plan B: Gotta be Living on a Prayer...hands down. Classic bar song.
Plan B: Prayer it is!!! you called it! I bet it got 98% of the votes...
Brendan: Awww shit Richie Sambora busting out the original Auto-tune! Suck that T-Pain!
Mos Def and Placido Domingo present Best Rap collabo:
Brendan: Word to the wise: If Mos Def is in a movie its gonna suck...
Plan B:Why is he even there he hasnt made music in 10 years...
Brendan: "Run this Town" is the winner and Kanye isnt even there to embarrass himself
Plan B: I feel like Riahanna is from the year 2581....
Brendan: Ugh, get that stupid kid outta there!
Plan B: Oh come on, he's adorable!!!
Brendan: Grrrrr....
Wyclef Jean presents Haiti Tribute:
Brendan: I dont need Wyclef to teach me how to speak Creole, I went to Nyack High School...
Plan B: Worst Earthquake in mankind??? Debatable....google that shit...
Brendan: Hey it's that blind opera singer!!!
Plan B: Is he singing in creole??? You wanna translate???
Brendan: haha...nah i'm good. I only know catch phrases. feme le boosh!!!
President of The RIAA and Dave Matthews Band:
Brendan: I hate this part! This is where this jerk off comes up and tells the viewers to stop illegal downloading.
Plan B: Illegal bootlegging forever!!!
Brendan: Oh, good hes done talking and he brings up Adam Sandler!
Plan B: haha! Sandler nice joke before introducing the Dave Matthews Band
Brendan: Geez, DMB got more people on stage then a Wu Tang Clan performance.
Brendan: I dont know what it is about DMB but their music makes me sleepy...
Ricky Martin and a girl from Glee present Best Female Pop :
Plan B: Ricky Martin is pandering to the crowd for applause...tisk tisk tisk
Brendan: Beyonce wins for best female pop and best cleavage
Plan B: OMG she thanked her husband!!! That's a first!
Brendan: Young Hova be long dickin'!
LL Cool J presents Maxwell:
Plan B: Hmmm...I have no thoughts on Maxwell...he sounds good live
Brendan: I gotta be honest I'm getting pretty tired of doing all the typing
Plan B: Suck it up buddy the shows almost over....
Brendan: Maxwell cant hang with John Legend
Jeff Bridges presents Jeff Beck
Plan B: Is Jeff Beck the Beck from Beck??
Brendan: I dont think so...I think Beck is his own Beck.
Plan B: What the Beck!?
Plan B: siiiiigh...I think we're starting to run thin on material....
Brendan: I'm surprised we made it this far!
Quentin Tarantino presents Drake, lil Wayne, Eminem and Travis Barker:
Plan B: WOW power packed performance...lets hope it lives up...
Brendan: Geez, they're delaying half of waynes verse...
Plan B: Marshall Mathers!!
Brendan: Meh...dont really like Drake. He's a nickelodeon actor! that aint gangsta!!!
Plan B: Plus he's a black jew....
Brendan: that's like a double negative...
Brendan: Em can spit! why can't he rap like that all the time??
Plan B: They're delaying the fuck out this performance!
Brendan: That was pretty good....not enough to make me like Drake...
John Legend and Carlos Santana present Album of the Year:
Brendan: Finally!!
Plan B: hahaha...Lady Gaga looks retarded
Brendan: I really hope she wins....I wanna hear her speak...
Brendan: OMG! Taylor Swift!?!? ugh, so lame...
Plan B: Looks like Taylor Swift is America's new sweetheart.
Brendan: 2 years from now she'll be in a sex scandal....you heard it hear first!
Well there you have it folks, grammy commentary from 2 hack comics. Hope you liked it! I'd like to thank Brendan Gray for having me over to his place and providing Snapple! Any last thoughts Brendan...
Well I thought the show was pretty good, lots of good performances. I was a little disappointed that Lady Gaga didn't win any awards because I really wanted to hear her talk, I feel like she would sound like an alien. Other then that I had a really good time and I want to thank you for having me on your blog!
Plan "B" out....
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Sunday, January 10, 2010
It was all a dream...
Hey Kids! First off, lemme start by saying happy new year! Last we talked Plan "B" narrowly avoided a DWI arrest that would have surely lead to a suicide attempt. But that's on some 2009 shit.
2010 is here! Big deal, where are all the fucking flying cars at?? Pssh, somebody fucked up...
Ugh! So far it's been a bitter cold winter here in NY and I'm hating every second of it. I've been thinking that it might be time for Plan "B" to hit the road and head for warmer climates.
A few weeks back I had this dream that I've since become obsessed with. It was the most vivid dream I'd ever had. It goes like this: I wake up and I'm in this small beach front apartment. Everything in the apartment is white and gray. I sit up in my bed. Directly in front of me is a picture frame window and outside are roaring, crashing waves. I get up and sit on the edge of the bed. At that moment I realize that I'm living in Hawaii. I start to feel a sense of accomplishment flow over me, like I had really done something special by moving here. I make my way over to the door and walk outside. Just outside my doorstep is a walkway of lush, green grass that leads me towards the beach. I step into the sand and I can feel it between my toes. It's warm. I begin to walk toward the ocean. As I walk, I pass under 2 leaning palm trees that form a sort of archway. I get to the edge of the water and stop. Up close it's crystal clear but further out it's deep blue. Off in the distance is large mountain range covered in green plant life. I look down and the water rushes over my feet. It's about up to my ankles. I look up and admire the awe inspiring landscape. It's perfect in every way. I shut my eyes and tilt my head towards the sky. I can feel the warmth of the sun shinning on my face. Smiling, I let out a gasp of contented air, "aaaaaahhhhhhh". Then I wake up....
The dream was so vivid I thought I was still there when I came back to reality. I jumped out of my bed and rushed over to a window in hopes of seeing some kind of tropical paradise, instead I all saw were gray clouds and the local graveyard that's adjacent to my apartment complex. Ouch!
Ever since then I've been thinking of getting out of NY. There's really nothing for me here anymore. No job, no love, a comedy career that's going no where. At least if I'm gonna be a failure I can be a failure in a place that's warm!
Maybe I'll move to California! Like LA, or San Diego or something.
I tried moving out there before...twice, actually...it didn't really work out like I hoped it would. First, I tried to go to college out in San Diego. I wanted to go to San Diego State University and be an Aztec but my application was rejected. A year or so later I nearly moved to LA, all in the name of love. At that time in my life I was under the influence of a devilish jezzabell! A wicked woman, for whom I would have done anything! Luckily, I saw threw her facade before it was too late and decided to stay in NY.
California dreamin....
Maybe things will be different this time around. I'm different now! Maybe I'll go to LA and do some comedy out there. Plan "B" invades the west coast! I got 6 years of jokes that I can do and it'll all seem brand new to them! Maybe they'll appreciate me out there, not like around here. Maybe someone will see my act and put me in a movie and I'll become famous! Maybe... Maybe Ill get a job as a boom mic operator in the porn industry!! The director will tell me that he's never worked with someone who picks up the sound of flesh slapping as well as I. I'll be nominated for an AVN award but I wont win and the loss only motivates me to work harder as a porn boom mic operator. Siiiiiick!!
Dreams are great to have but reality is harsh. In reality I'll continue to stay in NY and grind out the rest of my life....maybe to a happy ending or maybe not...time will tell.
2010 is here! Big deal, where are all the fucking flying cars at?? Pssh, somebody fucked up...
Ugh! So far it's been a bitter cold winter here in NY and I'm hating every second of it. I've been thinking that it might be time for Plan "B" to hit the road and head for warmer climates.
A few weeks back I had this dream that I've since become obsessed with. It was the most vivid dream I'd ever had. It goes like this: I wake up and I'm in this small beach front apartment. Everything in the apartment is white and gray. I sit up in my bed. Directly in front of me is a picture frame window and outside are roaring, crashing waves. I get up and sit on the edge of the bed. At that moment I realize that I'm living in Hawaii. I start to feel a sense of accomplishment flow over me, like I had really done something special by moving here. I make my way over to the door and walk outside. Just outside my doorstep is a walkway of lush, green grass that leads me towards the beach. I step into the sand and I can feel it between my toes. It's warm. I begin to walk toward the ocean. As I walk, I pass under 2 leaning palm trees that form a sort of archway. I get to the edge of the water and stop. Up close it's crystal clear but further out it's deep blue. Off in the distance is large mountain range covered in green plant life. I look down and the water rushes over my feet. It's about up to my ankles. I look up and admire the awe inspiring landscape. It's perfect in every way. I shut my eyes and tilt my head towards the sky. I can feel the warmth of the sun shinning on my face. Smiling, I let out a gasp of contented air, "aaaaaahhhhhhh". Then I wake up....
The dream was so vivid I thought I was still there when I came back to reality. I jumped out of my bed and rushed over to a window in hopes of seeing some kind of tropical paradise, instead I all saw were gray clouds and the local graveyard that's adjacent to my apartment complex. Ouch!
Ever since then I've been thinking of getting out of NY. There's really nothing for me here anymore. No job, no love, a comedy career that's going no where. At least if I'm gonna be a failure I can be a failure in a place that's warm!
Maybe I'll move to California! Like LA, or San Diego or something.
I tried moving out there before...twice, actually...it didn't really work out like I hoped it would. First, I tried to go to college out in San Diego. I wanted to go to San Diego State University and be an Aztec but my application was rejected. A year or so later I nearly moved to LA, all in the name of love. At that time in my life I was under the influence of a devilish jezzabell! A wicked woman, for whom I would have done anything! Luckily, I saw threw her facade before it was too late and decided to stay in NY.
California dreamin....
Maybe things will be different this time around. I'm different now! Maybe I'll go to LA and do some comedy out there. Plan "B" invades the west coast! I got 6 years of jokes that I can do and it'll all seem brand new to them! Maybe they'll appreciate me out there, not like around here. Maybe someone will see my act and put me in a movie and I'll become famous! Maybe... Maybe Ill get a job as a boom mic operator in the porn industry!! The director will tell me that he's never worked with someone who picks up the sound of flesh slapping as well as I. I'll be nominated for an AVN award but I wont win and the loss only motivates me to work harder as a porn boom mic operator. Siiiiiick!!
Dreams are great to have but reality is harsh. In reality I'll continue to stay in NY and grind out the rest of my life....maybe to a happy ending or maybe not...time will tell.
Monday, December 28, 2009
Not a laughing matter...
Twas the night before Christmas and all the street/ 5-0 was a stirring/ trying to bust Plan "B"....
Post comedy show on Wednesday night a few comics and I decided to celebrate the holidays with a few frosty brews n such. Great time! It was a good chance to kick it with a few guys and gals who I think are both funny AND friendly... something I find to be rare in this business of joke telling.
Drinks were cheap and they were flowing as the laughs from casual conversations had me feeling full of holiday spirit. After my 4th tall boy I had developed a pretty good buzz, so I decided to hit the road as it was getting a bit late and I had a big holiday weekend ahead of me. I said my peace-outs and dipped.
Plan "B" is somewhat an expert in the ways of intoxicated driving, it's become something of a past time for me. Now, in no way do I advocate in favor of drunk driving but ya gotta get home some how!
So here I am making my way through the city on my way to the west side highway. Once I hit that it's a straight shot home. I make a left on to 14th street when I see the shine of red and blue lights in my rear view. It's the cops. My first reaction to seeing the lights was to move out of the way so they can pass. City cops have more important things to take care of then stupid traffic violations....or so I thought. Regardless, I hadn't done anything that would warrant them to pull me over...or so I thought. I keep driving until 5-0 hits the siren "whoop whoop"! That's when I knew they were after me. "Ohhhh, shit!" I thought as I pull over to the side of the road. I immediately reach for some gum stashed in my drivers console only to find there's nothing in it! "FUCK!".
Turns out I'm being pulled over for not wearing a seat belt, which is the STUPIDEST FUCKING LAW! If I don't want to wear a seat belt that's my business! Fuck off!
I roll down my window 'cuz my car is ghetto and doesnt have power windows. Whatever. Cop goes through his license and registration schtick. As I'm handing him my info he sticks his big head inside my car and starts sniffing around. I knew what he was up to. Our faces had to have been 6 inches away from each other while he's asking me questions. He asked if I had been drinking to which I replied, "yea, I had 1 beer at this comedy club I was performing at". I knew he could smell it on me and I felt like lying about it would have made a bad situation worse.
"Step out of the car please..."
My stomach tightens up and an inner sense of doom starts flowing through my body as I step out of the car. A million and one thoughts race through your mind in a situation like this. The ones I can recall went like this: "Please God don't let this happen to me!" "This is gonna take every skill you have to get out of this!" "Keep cool" "Please God, Please don't let this happen to me!"
This sense of dread isn't something that was new to me. When you're a rebel like Plan "B" run in's with the law are common place but they definitely aren't fun. My now famous "Airport" story buries this one! Talk about scared!?? Sheeeeiiiitttt.... But I won't get into all that right now...
Back to the story... after a short round of stupid questions, copper bust out the breathalyzer. He tells me to take a deep breath and to blow as hard and as long as I can. He puts the contraption in my mouth and I start to blow. I was blowing as slowly and lightly as possible but making it look like I was doing it really hard. He's screaming "harder, harder harder!!" I stop blowing and start gasping like I'm out of breath. Grade A acting! There's Heath Ledger's Joker and my DWI stop, flawless acting. "I didn't tell you to stop! Why'd you stop!?" I told him I was out of breath from blowing so hard and I was just doing what he was telling me to do. He makes me do it a second and a third time. Each of the times I do the same exact thing! Blowing soft and acting out of breath etc, etc.
I don't know why, but I felt like the soft blowing technique might have been effective in defeating the dreaded breathalyzer. I had no scientific proof, I just went with it! It seemed to be somewhat effective because he made take the test 3 times.
I don't know what I blew. If it was under the limit or I was just fucking the machine up with my soft blow style but he didn't arrest me! The dread began to dissipate and a morphine-like sense of euphoria took over! He told me I was lying to him about the number of beers I drank (which I did) and he literally threw my license at me and told me to "get outta here". He wanted to bust me so bad! Getting a DWI bust for a cop is equivalent to hitting a homerun in the major league. But it looks like he struck out swinging on this night! I got back in my car and thanked my lucky stars! He got in his van and literally peeled out. As he drove past I yelled out "I had 4 beers suckaaaaa!!!"
That's when God shined his light on me!
Up to and included this incident Plan "B" has been doing some major philosophizing on his life. Just feeling down on my luck...a born loser. Many unfortunate things have gone down within the past few months that have made me question the direction of my life is taking. I've been pushing the envelope closer and closer to the edge and it's teetering. It's like I'm playing a game of Jenga and pulling all the blocks out from the bottom first.
I've never been a very religious person. Until recently I used to think God hated me and enjoyed watching me struggle... sort of like when you catch a spider and throw it in the toilet, then you piss on the spider and then flush it... like that. But there have been a few situations in my life where Plan "B" could easily be dead or in jail (Airport story) if it were not for the guiding hand of the LORD!! I know that now. I don't know what God has in store for me yet but in the past I just shut him out but now.....I'm listening!!! Holla @ me G.O.D!
Post comedy show on Wednesday night a few comics and I decided to celebrate the holidays with a few frosty brews n such. Great time! It was a good chance to kick it with a few guys and gals who I think are both funny AND friendly... something I find to be rare in this business of joke telling.
Drinks were cheap and they were flowing as the laughs from casual conversations had me feeling full of holiday spirit. After my 4th tall boy I had developed a pretty good buzz, so I decided to hit the road as it was getting a bit late and I had a big holiday weekend ahead of me. I said my peace-outs and dipped.
Plan "B" is somewhat an expert in the ways of intoxicated driving, it's become something of a past time for me. Now, in no way do I advocate in favor of drunk driving but ya gotta get home some how!
So here I am making my way through the city on my way to the west side highway. Once I hit that it's a straight shot home. I make a left on to 14th street when I see the shine of red and blue lights in my rear view. It's the cops. My first reaction to seeing the lights was to move out of the way so they can pass. City cops have more important things to take care of then stupid traffic violations....or so I thought. Regardless, I hadn't done anything that would warrant them to pull me over...or so I thought. I keep driving until 5-0 hits the siren "whoop whoop"! That's when I knew they were after me. "Ohhhh, shit!" I thought as I pull over to the side of the road. I immediately reach for some gum stashed in my drivers console only to find there's nothing in it! "FUCK!".
Turns out I'm being pulled over for not wearing a seat belt, which is the STUPIDEST FUCKING LAW! If I don't want to wear a seat belt that's my business! Fuck off!
I roll down my window 'cuz my car is ghetto and doesnt have power windows. Whatever. Cop goes through his license and registration schtick. As I'm handing him my info he sticks his big head inside my car and starts sniffing around. I knew what he was up to. Our faces had to have been 6 inches away from each other while he's asking me questions. He asked if I had been drinking to which I replied, "yea, I had 1 beer at this comedy club I was performing at". I knew he could smell it on me and I felt like lying about it would have made a bad situation worse.
"Step out of the car please..."
My stomach tightens up and an inner sense of doom starts flowing through my body as I step out of the car. A million and one thoughts race through your mind in a situation like this. The ones I can recall went like this: "Please God don't let this happen to me!" "This is gonna take every skill you have to get out of this!" "Keep cool" "Please God, Please don't let this happen to me!"
This sense of dread isn't something that was new to me. When you're a rebel like Plan "B" run in's with the law are common place but they definitely aren't fun. My now famous "Airport" story buries this one! Talk about scared!?? Sheeeeiiiitttt.... But I won't get into all that right now...
Back to the story... after a short round of stupid questions, copper bust out the breathalyzer. He tells me to take a deep breath and to blow as hard and as long as I can. He puts the contraption in my mouth and I start to blow. I was blowing as slowly and lightly as possible but making it look like I was doing it really hard. He's screaming "harder, harder harder!!" I stop blowing and start gasping like I'm out of breath. Grade A acting! There's Heath Ledger's Joker and my DWI stop, flawless acting. "I didn't tell you to stop! Why'd you stop!?" I told him I was out of breath from blowing so hard and I was just doing what he was telling me to do. He makes me do it a second and a third time. Each of the times I do the same exact thing! Blowing soft and acting out of breath etc, etc.
I don't know why, but I felt like the soft blowing technique might have been effective in defeating the dreaded breathalyzer. I had no scientific proof, I just went with it! It seemed to be somewhat effective because he made take the test 3 times.
I don't know what I blew. If it was under the limit or I was just fucking the machine up with my soft blow style but he didn't arrest me! The dread began to dissipate and a morphine-like sense of euphoria took over! He told me I was lying to him about the number of beers I drank (which I did) and he literally threw my license at me and told me to "get outta here". He wanted to bust me so bad! Getting a DWI bust for a cop is equivalent to hitting a homerun in the major league. But it looks like he struck out swinging on this night! I got back in my car and thanked my lucky stars! He got in his van and literally peeled out. As he drove past I yelled out "I had 4 beers suckaaaaa!!!"
That's when God shined his light on me!
Up to and included this incident Plan "B" has been doing some major philosophizing on his life. Just feeling down on my luck...a born loser. Many unfortunate things have gone down within the past few months that have made me question the direction of my life is taking. I've been pushing the envelope closer and closer to the edge and it's teetering. It's like I'm playing a game of Jenga and pulling all the blocks out from the bottom first.
I've never been a very religious person. Until recently I used to think God hated me and enjoyed watching me struggle... sort of like when you catch a spider and throw it in the toilet, then you piss on the spider and then flush it... like that. But there have been a few situations in my life where Plan "B" could easily be dead or in jail (Airport story) if it were not for the guiding hand of the LORD!! I know that now. I don't know what God has in store for me yet but in the past I just shut him out but now.....I'm listening!!! Holla @ me G.O.D!
Thursday, December 17, 2009
REAL OR FAKE??????????
Plan "B" is a big believer in UFO's! There's a ton of governmental information about the existence of extra-terrestrials and their activity on our planet... all you need to do is look for it. If found this video on one of my UFO websites that I frequent. I think it's pretty interesting. Is it Alien or human??? What do YOU think?????
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
