Welcome to Plan "B's" Grammy show blog!
Special guest sitting in with me for today's blog, comedian and friend Mr. Brendan Gray!!! We're gonna watch the Grammy's and give our own commentary about what were watching.
Plan B: So, Brendan thanks for being here...
Brendan: Thanks Plan...but actually you came to my apartment so thank YOU for being here!
Plan B: Yea you're right about that. You have a real cozy place here btw...
Brendan: Yea its aiiiight...it's home...oh, and I just wanted to say that I'm a huge fan of you and your blog
Plan B: Wow this is turning into a real dickriding festival
Brendan: It is what it is...
Plan B: Any predictions for the show? Anything you're looking for??
Brendan: uhhh, not really. Hoping to see some good performances, hot bitches, and something ridiculous.
Plan B: Ok, shows about to start. you ready??
Brendan: Let's do it!
Lady Gaga opens the show:
Plan B: Lady Gaga looks like the female version of Marilyn Manson
Brendan: I'm afraid of her...
Plan B: Shes like tinkerbell on acid.
Brendan: Id like to poke her face....with my cock!
Plan B: whoa nice ass Gaga
Brendan: Im surprised shes actually a good singer!
Plan B: Elton John duet, nice, strong opener.
Song of the year, Beyonce "Put a Ring on it":
Brendan: Ah man, I was hoping Gaga was gonna win she looks like she'd make a hilarious speech!
Plan B: No Beyonce to accept? wack!
Brendan: Damn they hit those dudes with the music real quick!
Plan B: No one wants to see those guys anyways, they're nobody's...
J-Lo presents Green Day n other:
Plan B: Damn J-Lo fell off...
Brendan: Word, shes been out assed by Beyonce
Plan B: You like Green Day??
Brendan: Yea, I mean I never bought any of their albums but they're cool I guess...
Brendan: I like the name of one of their albums...Dookie! haha Dookie...
Plan B: Dookie stinks! haha! get it?? Dookie stinks????
Brendan: This might be the best blog yet!!
Kristin Bell n some dude present Best Country:
Brendan: Kristin Bell looks good but shes mad short!
Plan B: What a surprise Taylor Swift won...
Brendan: I would have voted for 'who gives a fuck'
The Mentalist presents Beyonce:
Plan B: Is every actor fucking british or Australian!?
Plan B: Whoa, Beyonce coming in with a New World Order theme
Brendan: haha! word, its like Martial Law @ the Grammys!!
Plan B: Word on the street is that Jayz is a freemason and shes married to him so.....
Brendan: Hey, anything's possible...
Plan B: Interesting Alanis Morissette cover
Brendan: Ah I wish she would have said the "fuck her" part, that would have been hot!
Plan B: Ya know I was thinking that Beyonce was rocking a wig but shes tossing that hair around w/o caution. I guess its real.
Seal presents Pink:
Brendan: Ugh, I cant believe Seal gets to cream up Heidi Klum
Plan B: He's gotta be huge...
Brendan: .............
Plan B: Oh great, Pink. She's kinda lame
Brendan: I agree I'm not feeling her. She's not even pink anymore! How bout showing some pink Pink!
Plan B: Holy shit! Maybe she heard you! She's damn near naked!
Brendan: Pssh, shock value. I mean I'm not complaining...
Plan B: Cirque de so-gay. Take that shit back to the big top "Pink"
Keith Urban and some broad present Best New Artist:
Plan B: I never heard of any of these people...
Brendan: I heard of that song "thats' not my name" but I didnt know it was by The Ting Tings!
Plan B: Meh, the Zack Brown Band wins...
Brendan: I was really pulling for The Ting Tings...
Miley Cyrus presents Black Eye Peas:
Brendan: I dont like her and her down south twang
Plan B: Yea...I feel like shes a real slut on the down low.
Brendan: I'll give you 100 bucks if you can name non fergie/ will I am black eye peas...
Plan B: Uhhh, Bruce Leroy and Africa Bambata?
Plan B: Black Eye Peas put on a pretty good show.
Brendan: Yea, I want them to perform at my sweet 16 party this year
Jonas Bros presents Lady Antabella:
Plan B: I think this will be a good time to blaze up.
Brendan: That's great dude but I dont smoke pot anymore...
Plan B: What?!!?
Brendan: Yea...I'm off the pot dawg.
Plan B: Sucks for you BRObama....
Brendan: Take that shit outside!!
2 people we dont know present Best Comedy Album:
Brendan: Oh great category! This is our industry!
Plan B: Wow, what a disappointing group of nominees
Plan B: Maybe one day one of us will have a grammy nominated comedy album...
Brendan: I doubt it, I can barely do 10 minutes...
Plan B: Colbert wins. I'm not mad at that, I would have voted Weird Al
Brendan: Id bang Colbert's daughter....
Norah Jones and Ringo Starr present Record of the Year:
Brendan: I met Ringo once when I interned at NBC. He stepped on my foot in an elevator and said "sorry mate" It was pretty cool.
Plan B: Who the fuck are the Kings of Leon?? I always hear about these dudes!
Brendan: I dont know who they are either but they look like nerds.
Plan B: That may be so but I can guarantee they're getting more pussy then either of us.
Brendan: That's a given...
Robert Downey Jr. presents Jamie Foxx and T-Pain:
Plan B: This song gets played about 10 times a night in every bar/club in america
Brendan: Hmmm, the auto tune is sounding weak live
Plan B: OMG T-Pain was in disguise! I had no idea!!
Brendan: Awww shit the human beat box, dougie fresh!!!
Plan B: uhh who invited Precious???
Brendan: Oh!!! Nice, Slash!!!
Plan B: That was a weird combination of people...
Brendan: It was kinda like a hot dog. Small groupings of different body parts to create one delicious treat!
Katy Perry and Alice Cooper present Best Rock Album:
Brendan: I'm not a big rock fan but I like all these groups.
Plan B: Green Day wins, that's no surprise they just performed 5 minutes ago.
Chris O'Donnell presents Zack Brown Band
Brendan: Remember when Chris O'Donnell played Robin in Batman and Robin??
Plan B: Yea, I don't think I can picture him as any other role...
Brendan: The Zack Brown Band remind me of the Country Bear Jamboree in Disney World
Brendan: All they're missing is a guy playing a big Triple- X jug of moonshine.
Ryan Seacrest presents Taylor Swift:
Plan B: Did Seacrest just call her phenomenal??
Brendan: He's prolly trying to hit...
Plan B: She's so wholesome! Middle America just exploded in their underpants...
Plan B: Ok, Stevie Nix jumping on stage...
Brendan: Stevie looks like she just mainlined some her-ron. That's why shes wearing those long gloves, to hide the tracks!
Brendan: Taylor Swift = No Ass
Lionel Richie presents Michael Jackson Tribute
Plan B: Got love for Lionel...
Brendan: He was just in a Simpsons episode where he sang "Say you Say me" to Homer but Homer made him change the words to beer, so it went "hey you, beer me" so funny.
Plan B: Am I really blazed cuz the screen is bugged out!
Brendan: Nah dude it's a 3-D special thing...like Avatar but not as cool
Plan B: This is some great weed because I'm seeing in 3-D without the glasses!
Brendan: I envy you.
Brendan: Best Michael Jackson 3-D movie...Captain EO...that was the shit!
Plan B: Excellent performance, although the 3-D was unnecessary! RIP MJ
Plan B: Wait a second!!! MJ's kids come out to accept lifetime achievement award!!
Brendan: They are very, very white...and very, very creepy!!! whoa, i just got a chill down my spine!
Brendan: They got a children of the corn thing going on. must. kill. plan. B.....
Cheryl Crow presents Bon Jovi
Brendan: Jovi rocks!!
Plan B: They should have had the cast of Jersey Shore introduce them...
Brendan: What song do you think is gonna win the online vote???
Plan B: Gotta be Living on a Prayer...hands down. Classic bar song.
Plan B: Prayer it is!!! you called it! I bet it got 98% of the votes...
Brendan: Awww shit Richie Sambora busting out the original Auto-tune! Suck that T-Pain!
Mos Def and Placido Domingo present Best Rap collabo:
Brendan: Word to the wise: If Mos Def is in a movie its gonna suck...
Plan B:Why is he even there he hasnt made music in 10 years...
Brendan: "Run this Town" is the winner and Kanye isnt even there to embarrass himself
Plan B: I feel like Riahanna is from the year 2581....
Brendan: Ugh, get that stupid kid outta there!
Plan B: Oh come on, he's adorable!!!
Brendan: Grrrrr....
Wyclef Jean presents Haiti Tribute:
Brendan: I dont need Wyclef to teach me how to speak Creole, I went to Nyack High School...
Plan B: Worst Earthquake in mankind??? Debatable....google that shit...
Brendan: Hey it's that blind opera singer!!!
Plan B: Is he singing in creole??? You wanna translate???
Brendan: haha...nah i'm good. I only know catch phrases. feme le boosh!!!
President of The RIAA and Dave Matthews Band:
Brendan: I hate this part! This is where this jerk off comes up and tells the viewers to stop illegal downloading.
Plan B: Illegal bootlegging forever!!!
Brendan: Oh, good hes done talking and he brings up Adam Sandler!
Plan B: haha! Sandler nice joke before introducing the Dave Matthews Band
Brendan: Geez, DMB got more people on stage then a Wu Tang Clan performance.
Brendan: I dont know what it is about DMB but their music makes me sleepy...
Ricky Martin and a girl from Glee present Best Female Pop :
Plan B: Ricky Martin is pandering to the crowd for applause...tisk tisk tisk
Brendan: Beyonce wins for best female pop and best cleavage
Plan B: OMG she thanked her husband!!! That's a first!
Brendan: Young Hova be long dickin'!
LL Cool J presents Maxwell:
Plan B: Hmmm...I have no thoughts on Maxwell...he sounds good live
Brendan: I gotta be honest I'm getting pretty tired of doing all the typing
Plan B: Suck it up buddy the shows almost over....
Brendan: Maxwell cant hang with John Legend
Jeff Bridges presents Jeff Beck
Plan B: Is Jeff Beck the Beck from Beck??
Brendan: I dont think so...I think Beck is his own Beck.
Plan B: What the Beck!?
Plan B: siiiiigh...I think we're starting to run thin on material....
Brendan: I'm surprised we made it this far!
Quentin Tarantino presents Drake, lil Wayne, Eminem and Travis Barker:
Plan B: WOW power packed performance...lets hope it lives up...
Brendan: Geez, they're delaying half of waynes verse...
Plan B: Marshall Mathers!!
Brendan: Meh...dont really like Drake. He's a nickelodeon actor! that aint gangsta!!!
Plan B: Plus he's a black jew....
Brendan: that's like a double negative...
Brendan: Em can spit! why can't he rap like that all the time??
Plan B: They're delaying the fuck out this performance!
Brendan: That was pretty good....not enough to make me like Drake...
John Legend and Carlos Santana present Album of the Year:
Brendan: Finally!!
Plan B: hahaha...Lady Gaga looks retarded
Brendan: I really hope she wins....I wanna hear her speak...
Brendan: OMG! Taylor Swift!?!? ugh, so lame...
Plan B: Looks like Taylor Swift is America's new sweetheart.
Brendan: 2 years from now she'll be in a sex scandal....you heard it hear first!
Well there you have it folks, grammy commentary from 2 hack comics. Hope you liked it! I'd like to thank Brendan Gray for having me over to his place and providing Snapple! Any last thoughts Brendan...
Well I thought the show was pretty good, lots of good performances. I was a little disappointed that Lady Gaga didn't win any awards because I really wanted to hear her talk, I feel like she would sound like an alien. Other then that I had a really good time and I want to thank you for having me on your blog!
Plan "B" out....
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Sunday, January 10, 2010
It was all a dream...
Hey Kids! First off, lemme start by saying happy new year! Last we talked Plan "B" narrowly avoided a DWI arrest that would have surely lead to a suicide attempt. But that's on some 2009 shit.
2010 is here! Big deal, where are all the fucking flying cars at?? Pssh, somebody fucked up...
Ugh! So far it's been a bitter cold winter here in NY and I'm hating every second of it. I've been thinking that it might be time for Plan "B" to hit the road and head for warmer climates.
A few weeks back I had this dream that I've since become obsessed with. It was the most vivid dream I'd ever had. It goes like this: I wake up and I'm in this small beach front apartment. Everything in the apartment is white and gray. I sit up in my bed. Directly in front of me is a picture frame window and outside are roaring, crashing waves. I get up and sit on the edge of the bed. At that moment I realize that I'm living in Hawaii. I start to feel a sense of accomplishment flow over me, like I had really done something special by moving here. I make my way over to the door and walk outside. Just outside my doorstep is a walkway of lush, green grass that leads me towards the beach. I step into the sand and I can feel it between my toes. It's warm. I begin to walk toward the ocean. As I walk, I pass under 2 leaning palm trees that form a sort of archway. I get to the edge of the water and stop. Up close it's crystal clear but further out it's deep blue. Off in the distance is large mountain range covered in green plant life. I look down and the water rushes over my feet. It's about up to my ankles. I look up and admire the awe inspiring landscape. It's perfect in every way. I shut my eyes and tilt my head towards the sky. I can feel the warmth of the sun shinning on my face. Smiling, I let out a gasp of contented air, "aaaaaahhhhhhh". Then I wake up....
The dream was so vivid I thought I was still there when I came back to reality. I jumped out of my bed and rushed over to a window in hopes of seeing some kind of tropical paradise, instead I all saw were gray clouds and the local graveyard that's adjacent to my apartment complex. Ouch!
Ever since then I've been thinking of getting out of NY. There's really nothing for me here anymore. No job, no love, a comedy career that's going no where. At least if I'm gonna be a failure I can be a failure in a place that's warm!
Maybe I'll move to California! Like LA, or San Diego or something.
I tried moving out there before...twice, actually...it didn't really work out like I hoped it would. First, I tried to go to college out in San Diego. I wanted to go to San Diego State University and be an Aztec but my application was rejected. A year or so later I nearly moved to LA, all in the name of love. At that time in my life I was under the influence of a devilish jezzabell! A wicked woman, for whom I would have done anything! Luckily, I saw threw her facade before it was too late and decided to stay in NY.
California dreamin....
Maybe things will be different this time around. I'm different now! Maybe I'll go to LA and do some comedy out there. Plan "B" invades the west coast! I got 6 years of jokes that I can do and it'll all seem brand new to them! Maybe they'll appreciate me out there, not like around here. Maybe someone will see my act and put me in a movie and I'll become famous! Maybe... Maybe Ill get a job as a boom mic operator in the porn industry!! The director will tell me that he's never worked with someone who picks up the sound of flesh slapping as well as I. I'll be nominated for an AVN award but I wont win and the loss only motivates me to work harder as a porn boom mic operator. Siiiiiick!!
Dreams are great to have but reality is harsh. In reality I'll continue to stay in NY and grind out the rest of my life....maybe to a happy ending or maybe not...time will tell.
2010 is here! Big deal, where are all the fucking flying cars at?? Pssh, somebody fucked up...
Ugh! So far it's been a bitter cold winter here in NY and I'm hating every second of it. I've been thinking that it might be time for Plan "B" to hit the road and head for warmer climates.
A few weeks back I had this dream that I've since become obsessed with. It was the most vivid dream I'd ever had. It goes like this: I wake up and I'm in this small beach front apartment. Everything in the apartment is white and gray. I sit up in my bed. Directly in front of me is a picture frame window and outside are roaring, crashing waves. I get up and sit on the edge of the bed. At that moment I realize that I'm living in Hawaii. I start to feel a sense of accomplishment flow over me, like I had really done something special by moving here. I make my way over to the door and walk outside. Just outside my doorstep is a walkway of lush, green grass that leads me towards the beach. I step into the sand and I can feel it between my toes. It's warm. I begin to walk toward the ocean. As I walk, I pass under 2 leaning palm trees that form a sort of archway. I get to the edge of the water and stop. Up close it's crystal clear but further out it's deep blue. Off in the distance is large mountain range covered in green plant life. I look down and the water rushes over my feet. It's about up to my ankles. I look up and admire the awe inspiring landscape. It's perfect in every way. I shut my eyes and tilt my head towards the sky. I can feel the warmth of the sun shinning on my face. Smiling, I let out a gasp of contented air, "aaaaaahhhhhhh". Then I wake up....
The dream was so vivid I thought I was still there when I came back to reality. I jumped out of my bed and rushed over to a window in hopes of seeing some kind of tropical paradise, instead I all saw were gray clouds and the local graveyard that's adjacent to my apartment complex. Ouch!
Ever since then I've been thinking of getting out of NY. There's really nothing for me here anymore. No job, no love, a comedy career that's going no where. At least if I'm gonna be a failure I can be a failure in a place that's warm!
Maybe I'll move to California! Like LA, or San Diego or something.
I tried moving out there before...twice, actually...it didn't really work out like I hoped it would. First, I tried to go to college out in San Diego. I wanted to go to San Diego State University and be an Aztec but my application was rejected. A year or so later I nearly moved to LA, all in the name of love. At that time in my life I was under the influence of a devilish jezzabell! A wicked woman, for whom I would have done anything! Luckily, I saw threw her facade before it was too late and decided to stay in NY.
California dreamin....
Maybe things will be different this time around. I'm different now! Maybe I'll go to LA and do some comedy out there. Plan "B" invades the west coast! I got 6 years of jokes that I can do and it'll all seem brand new to them! Maybe they'll appreciate me out there, not like around here. Maybe someone will see my act and put me in a movie and I'll become famous! Maybe... Maybe Ill get a job as a boom mic operator in the porn industry!! The director will tell me that he's never worked with someone who picks up the sound of flesh slapping as well as I. I'll be nominated for an AVN award but I wont win and the loss only motivates me to work harder as a porn boom mic operator. Siiiiiick!!
Dreams are great to have but reality is harsh. In reality I'll continue to stay in NY and grind out the rest of my life....maybe to a happy ending or maybe not...time will tell.
Monday, December 28, 2009
Not a laughing matter...
Twas the night before Christmas and all the street/ 5-0 was a stirring/ trying to bust Plan "B"....
Post comedy show on Wednesday night a few comics and I decided to celebrate the holidays with a few frosty brews n such. Great time! It was a good chance to kick it with a few guys and gals who I think are both funny AND friendly... something I find to be rare in this business of joke telling.
Drinks were cheap and they were flowing as the laughs from casual conversations had me feeling full of holiday spirit. After my 4th tall boy I had developed a pretty good buzz, so I decided to hit the road as it was getting a bit late and I had a big holiday weekend ahead of me. I said my peace-outs and dipped.
Plan "B" is somewhat an expert in the ways of intoxicated driving, it's become something of a past time for me. Now, in no way do I advocate in favor of drunk driving but ya gotta get home some how!
So here I am making my way through the city on my way to the west side highway. Once I hit that it's a straight shot home. I make a left on to 14th street when I see the shine of red and blue lights in my rear view. It's the cops. My first reaction to seeing the lights was to move out of the way so they can pass. City cops have more important things to take care of then stupid traffic violations....or so I thought. Regardless, I hadn't done anything that would warrant them to pull me over...or so I thought. I keep driving until 5-0 hits the siren "whoop whoop"! That's when I knew they were after me. "Ohhhh, shit!" I thought as I pull over to the side of the road. I immediately reach for some gum stashed in my drivers console only to find there's nothing in it! "FUCK!".
Turns out I'm being pulled over for not wearing a seat belt, which is the STUPIDEST FUCKING LAW! If I don't want to wear a seat belt that's my business! Fuck off!
I roll down my window 'cuz my car is ghetto and doesnt have power windows. Whatever. Cop goes through his license and registration schtick. As I'm handing him my info he sticks his big head inside my car and starts sniffing around. I knew what he was up to. Our faces had to have been 6 inches away from each other while he's asking me questions. He asked if I had been drinking to which I replied, "yea, I had 1 beer at this comedy club I was performing at". I knew he could smell it on me and I felt like lying about it would have made a bad situation worse.
"Step out of the car please..."
My stomach tightens up and an inner sense of doom starts flowing through my body as I step out of the car. A million and one thoughts race through your mind in a situation like this. The ones I can recall went like this: "Please God don't let this happen to me!" "This is gonna take every skill you have to get out of this!" "Keep cool" "Please God, Please don't let this happen to me!"
This sense of dread isn't something that was new to me. When you're a rebel like Plan "B" run in's with the law are common place but they definitely aren't fun. My now famous "Airport" story buries this one! Talk about scared!?? Sheeeeiiiitttt.... But I won't get into all that right now...
Back to the story... after a short round of stupid questions, copper bust out the breathalyzer. He tells me to take a deep breath and to blow as hard and as long as I can. He puts the contraption in my mouth and I start to blow. I was blowing as slowly and lightly as possible but making it look like I was doing it really hard. He's screaming "harder, harder harder!!" I stop blowing and start gasping like I'm out of breath. Grade A acting! There's Heath Ledger's Joker and my DWI stop, flawless acting. "I didn't tell you to stop! Why'd you stop!?" I told him I was out of breath from blowing so hard and I was just doing what he was telling me to do. He makes me do it a second and a third time. Each of the times I do the same exact thing! Blowing soft and acting out of breath etc, etc.
I don't know why, but I felt like the soft blowing technique might have been effective in defeating the dreaded breathalyzer. I had no scientific proof, I just went with it! It seemed to be somewhat effective because he made take the test 3 times.
I don't know what I blew. If it was under the limit or I was just fucking the machine up with my soft blow style but he didn't arrest me! The dread began to dissipate and a morphine-like sense of euphoria took over! He told me I was lying to him about the number of beers I drank (which I did) and he literally threw my license at me and told me to "get outta here". He wanted to bust me so bad! Getting a DWI bust for a cop is equivalent to hitting a homerun in the major league. But it looks like he struck out swinging on this night! I got back in my car and thanked my lucky stars! He got in his van and literally peeled out. As he drove past I yelled out "I had 4 beers suckaaaaa!!!"
That's when God shined his light on me!
Up to and included this incident Plan "B" has been doing some major philosophizing on his life. Just feeling down on my luck...a born loser. Many unfortunate things have gone down within the past few months that have made me question the direction of my life is taking. I've been pushing the envelope closer and closer to the edge and it's teetering. It's like I'm playing a game of Jenga and pulling all the blocks out from the bottom first.
I've never been a very religious person. Until recently I used to think God hated me and enjoyed watching me struggle... sort of like when you catch a spider and throw it in the toilet, then you piss on the spider and then flush it... like that. But there have been a few situations in my life where Plan "B" could easily be dead or in jail (Airport story) if it were not for the guiding hand of the LORD!! I know that now. I don't know what God has in store for me yet but in the past I just shut him out but now.....I'm listening!!! Holla @ me G.O.D!
Post comedy show on Wednesday night a few comics and I decided to celebrate the holidays with a few frosty brews n such. Great time! It was a good chance to kick it with a few guys and gals who I think are both funny AND friendly... something I find to be rare in this business of joke telling.
Drinks were cheap and they were flowing as the laughs from casual conversations had me feeling full of holiday spirit. After my 4th tall boy I had developed a pretty good buzz, so I decided to hit the road as it was getting a bit late and I had a big holiday weekend ahead of me. I said my peace-outs and dipped.
Plan "B" is somewhat an expert in the ways of intoxicated driving, it's become something of a past time for me. Now, in no way do I advocate in favor of drunk driving but ya gotta get home some how!
So here I am making my way through the city on my way to the west side highway. Once I hit that it's a straight shot home. I make a left on to 14th street when I see the shine of red and blue lights in my rear view. It's the cops. My first reaction to seeing the lights was to move out of the way so they can pass. City cops have more important things to take care of then stupid traffic violations....or so I thought. Regardless, I hadn't done anything that would warrant them to pull me over...or so I thought. I keep driving until 5-0 hits the siren "whoop whoop"! That's when I knew they were after me. "Ohhhh, shit!" I thought as I pull over to the side of the road. I immediately reach for some gum stashed in my drivers console only to find there's nothing in it! "FUCK!".
Turns out I'm being pulled over for not wearing a seat belt, which is the STUPIDEST FUCKING LAW! If I don't want to wear a seat belt that's my business! Fuck off!
I roll down my window 'cuz my car is ghetto and doesnt have power windows. Whatever. Cop goes through his license and registration schtick. As I'm handing him my info he sticks his big head inside my car and starts sniffing around. I knew what he was up to. Our faces had to have been 6 inches away from each other while he's asking me questions. He asked if I had been drinking to which I replied, "yea, I had 1 beer at this comedy club I was performing at". I knew he could smell it on me and I felt like lying about it would have made a bad situation worse.
"Step out of the car please..."
My stomach tightens up and an inner sense of doom starts flowing through my body as I step out of the car. A million and one thoughts race through your mind in a situation like this. The ones I can recall went like this: "Please God don't let this happen to me!" "This is gonna take every skill you have to get out of this!" "Keep cool" "Please God, Please don't let this happen to me!"
This sense of dread isn't something that was new to me. When you're a rebel like Plan "B" run in's with the law are common place but they definitely aren't fun. My now famous "Airport" story buries this one! Talk about scared!?? Sheeeeiiiitttt.... But I won't get into all that right now...
Back to the story... after a short round of stupid questions, copper bust out the breathalyzer. He tells me to take a deep breath and to blow as hard and as long as I can. He puts the contraption in my mouth and I start to blow. I was blowing as slowly and lightly as possible but making it look like I was doing it really hard. He's screaming "harder, harder harder!!" I stop blowing and start gasping like I'm out of breath. Grade A acting! There's Heath Ledger's Joker and my DWI stop, flawless acting. "I didn't tell you to stop! Why'd you stop!?" I told him I was out of breath from blowing so hard and I was just doing what he was telling me to do. He makes me do it a second and a third time. Each of the times I do the same exact thing! Blowing soft and acting out of breath etc, etc.
I don't know why, but I felt like the soft blowing technique might have been effective in defeating the dreaded breathalyzer. I had no scientific proof, I just went with it! It seemed to be somewhat effective because he made take the test 3 times.
I don't know what I blew. If it was under the limit or I was just fucking the machine up with my soft blow style but he didn't arrest me! The dread began to dissipate and a morphine-like sense of euphoria took over! He told me I was lying to him about the number of beers I drank (which I did) and he literally threw my license at me and told me to "get outta here". He wanted to bust me so bad! Getting a DWI bust for a cop is equivalent to hitting a homerun in the major league. But it looks like he struck out swinging on this night! I got back in my car and thanked my lucky stars! He got in his van and literally peeled out. As he drove past I yelled out "I had 4 beers suckaaaaa!!!"
That's when God shined his light on me!
Up to and included this incident Plan "B" has been doing some major philosophizing on his life. Just feeling down on my luck...a born loser. Many unfortunate things have gone down within the past few months that have made me question the direction of my life is taking. I've been pushing the envelope closer and closer to the edge and it's teetering. It's like I'm playing a game of Jenga and pulling all the blocks out from the bottom first.
I've never been a very religious person. Until recently I used to think God hated me and enjoyed watching me struggle... sort of like when you catch a spider and throw it in the toilet, then you piss on the spider and then flush it... like that. But there have been a few situations in my life where Plan "B" could easily be dead or in jail (Airport story) if it were not for the guiding hand of the LORD!! I know that now. I don't know what God has in store for me yet but in the past I just shut him out but now.....I'm listening!!! Holla @ me G.O.D!
Thursday, December 17, 2009
REAL OR FAKE??????????
Plan "B" is a big believer in UFO's! There's a ton of governmental information about the existence of extra-terrestrials and their activity on our planet... all you need to do is look for it. If found this video on one of my UFO websites that I frequent. I think it's pretty interesting. Is it Alien or human??? What do YOU think?????
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Mama Said Knock You Out!!!
It's the shot heard round the world!!!! Jersey Shore is MTV's latest deplorable "reality" show that groups a bunch of deuchy "Guidos and Guidettes" in a house where they get drunk and fuck.
I've never been very good at math but it seems like the equation of: Morally shallow people + nice house + cameras + alcohol = reality TV success
Everyone's really excited to see the latest episode of Jersey Shore where skank, "Snookie", gets punched in the face! Unfortunately, MTV deleted the scene from the show but Plan "B" has it for your viewing pleasure! Check it out below!
That's good television!!! What does it say about our culture, where people are foaming at the mouth to watch a man punch a woman in the face??? For some reason, I don't think this is what John Logie Baird had in mind when he created the worlds first TV, but hey, welcome to the future!
Plan "B" pitty's this stupid bitch. Not only will she be forever known as a cast member on one of the DUMBEST shows in television history but she'll also be known as the girl who got knocked out on one of the DUMBEST shows in television history.
Plan "B" does NOT advocate domestic violence and for the record I think hitting women is wrong. Wait, allow me to clarify that statement, hitting a DEFENSELESS woman is wrong. Example: man has a bad day at work, comes home and there's no dinner on the table, beats wife....That's wrong! Example: girl gets drunk at bar, shoots off at the mouth, smacks and punches man in face, man knocks girl out....She deserved it!
My feeling is, and this applies to both men AND women: If you hit someone in the face in anger then you're eligiable to get hit right back. Ask Chris Brown and Rihanna about that. Look, if you don't want to get hit then keep your hands to yourself! It's that simple.
Domestic violence is a serious topic but only when it happens to women. Men have often been victims of a physically abusive spouse, but if they report it to the cops they get laughed at because men are supposed to be tough! Months later when that man snaps and hits his wife back he goes to jail, is labeled a 'monster' and people say "gee, he seemed like such a nice guy..." That's bullshit. Similar situation in the Tiger Woods story. People are so wrapped up in the fact that he banged all these hoes but no one is talking about the fact that his wife tried to take his head off with a 9 iron! Fair????
Let me reiterate the fact that I think hitting women is WRONG! I know someones gonna read this blog and think Plan "B" is a woman beater. Wrong! I have a mother and I love her.
I do think there is a double standard when it comes to "hitting" and that's not cool. Violence is wrong all the time but sometimes ya gotta do what ya gotta do. Ladies, don't act tough and think you can get away with hitting a man without getting taxed. Guys, think twice if you're gonna put hands on a woman because you WILL go to jail even if she provokes you.
I've never been very good at math but it seems like the equation of: Morally shallow people + nice house + cameras + alcohol = reality TV success
Everyone's really excited to see the latest episode of Jersey Shore where skank, "Snookie", gets punched in the face! Unfortunately, MTV deleted the scene from the show but Plan "B" has it for your viewing pleasure! Check it out below!
That's good television!!! What does it say about our culture, where people are foaming at the mouth to watch a man punch a woman in the face??? For some reason, I don't think this is what John Logie Baird had in mind when he created the worlds first TV, but hey, welcome to the future!
Plan "B" pitty's this stupid bitch. Not only will she be forever known as a cast member on one of the DUMBEST shows in television history but she'll also be known as the girl who got knocked out on one of the DUMBEST shows in television history.
Plan "B" does NOT advocate domestic violence and for the record I think hitting women is wrong. Wait, allow me to clarify that statement, hitting a DEFENSELESS woman is wrong. Example: man has a bad day at work, comes home and there's no dinner on the table, beats wife....That's wrong! Example: girl gets drunk at bar, shoots off at the mouth, smacks and punches man in face, man knocks girl out....She deserved it!
My feeling is, and this applies to both men AND women: If you hit someone in the face in anger then you're eligiable to get hit right back. Ask Chris Brown and Rihanna about that. Look, if you don't want to get hit then keep your hands to yourself! It's that simple.
Domestic violence is a serious topic but only when it happens to women. Men have often been victims of a physically abusive spouse, but if they report it to the cops they get laughed at because men are supposed to be tough! Months later when that man snaps and hits his wife back he goes to jail, is labeled a 'monster' and people say "gee, he seemed like such a nice guy..." That's bullshit. Similar situation in the Tiger Woods story. People are so wrapped up in the fact that he banged all these hoes but no one is talking about the fact that his wife tried to take his head off with a 9 iron! Fair????
Let me reiterate the fact that I think hitting women is WRONG! I know someones gonna read this blog and think Plan "B" is a woman beater. Wrong! I have a mother and I love her.
I do think there is a double standard when it comes to "hitting" and that's not cool. Violence is wrong all the time but sometimes ya gotta do what ya gotta do. Ladies, don't act tough and think you can get away with hitting a man without getting taxed. Guys, think twice if you're gonna put hands on a woman because you WILL go to jail even if she provokes you.
Monday, December 7, 2009
"B" stands for Barf!
Whatup blog readers! Plan "B" loves you and I hope you know that!
I went out this weekend for my buddy Rocky's 30th birthday. He's the last in my group of friends to turn 30 so that means I don't have to go to anymore birthday parties until we all turn 40. This past weekend marks the 4th weekend in a row I've gone "out". Plan "B" doesn't party like he used....mostly cuz he's broke! You know the party was a good time when you puke and that's exactly what my buddy Rocky did. He was a one man barf-o-rama! Happy birthday Rocky!
Speaking of throwing up...did you happen to catch SNL this weekend?? Ugh... this show just keeps getting worse n worse. They did a Tiger Woods sketch that was 'meh' at best but Keenan Thompson is just horrendous and his portrayal of Tiger Woods was garbage. If he wasn't black he wouldn't be on that show.
Back to the subject at hand, puking! Rocky's birthday barf got me thinking of my own vomiting experiences. So, here are my Top 5 alcohol/drug induced vomit stories.
NUMBER 5:
Back in the day we used to have the illest block party on my street. It was a tradition that started when I was a young boy and continued til I was in college. During those college years we'd get FUCK'D up! Mad kegs n what not... anyways, I had eaten too many burgers that day and during intermission of a massive 'flip cup' game I stumbled over to a near by garbage can and puked. Turns out a bunch of neighbors were standing right behind the garbage can and as I'm throwing up I hear my friends mother utter, "oh, B!" Good times!
NUMBER 4:
Christmas Eve of 2004 I got really drunk at my cousins house, they live in Albany. I was crushing Jack n Cokes all day, damn near finished the whole bottle for self! I was bent! Toward the end of the night I found myself laying on the ground singing christmas tunes and quoting Anchorman. After a brutal 3 hour drive back home I bust out of the car and immediately throw up on the sidewalk. With my parents proudly watching on I make it up the steps only to throw up again. I look up at my disgusted mother and with barf hanging from my lips say "merry christmas mom!"
NUMBER 3:
College was a crazy time for me, that's why it only lasted 3 semesters. 2nd semester I find myself celebrating St. Patrick's Day in a college known for it's hard partying ways. A whole bunch of us were partying in my room and I drank a 12 pak before heading out to the bars...oh yea, and we smoke a ton of hash too! An hour later I find myself getting arrested for public urination! On the bus ride back to campus I puked on the empty seat next to me. I got off at the next stop and walked the rest of way.
NUMBER 2:
The first time I ever got drunk was my senior year in high school. I didn't drink or do drugs in high school because I didn't need to, I was already the coolest kid in school! Senior year a bunch of us crashed another high schools party. I'm slugging a 6'r of Bud Ice having a great time! Next thing I know all out war breaks out! One of the biggest fights I had ever seen. In the midst of the chaos I see this kid (from the other HS) get a 40oz broken over his head. His face was covered in blood and he was getting stomped out like people were trying to put out a fire. It was brutal and gross. We flee the scene as the cops show up and I'm on the verge of puking. On the ride home I tell my friend to pull over so i can throw up, he does and so do I. After I boot we continue to drive and I'm yelling at him to drive slower, he was going like 15 MPH. Finally, we get back to my friends house and I throw up some more. I made my friend walk me home and he did only because he lived across the street.
NUMBER 1:
A few years ago my buddy was house sitting for some people he knew. They grew mad pot and always hooked him up. So a few of us went over to this place to blaze up. Back then my boy used to smoke out of this triple bubble bong, it was a freaking monster!! I step up and take a few rips off this destroyer and immediately I'm retarded. Then I get this feeling like I'm gonna throw up but I don't want anyone to know I'm gonna puke because they'd make fun of me, so I discretely make my way to the bathroom. I get to the bathroom and lock the door because I don't want someone to barge in on me when I'm puking. Now, shortly before I had gone out that night I had eaten some pizza...we'll get back to that. So here I am, in the bathroom of this house about the throw up after taking monster hits off a triple bubble bong. I start throwing up and during the puking process these chunks of undigested pizza crust gets lodged in my throat. I start choking! I can't breath, my legs are kicking around and I'm banging on my chest trying to get the pizza freed from my throat! The whole time I'm gagging I get the feeling that I'm gonna die on this bathroom floor and nobody will be able to help me because I locked the door! Finally, I get the pizza unclogged and a take a huge gasp of air. I laid on the bathroom floor for a minute until I collected myself and went back out to join my friends and pretended like nothing happened.
Drinking is cool but drinking too much SUCKS. Drink responsibly friends.
I went out this weekend for my buddy Rocky's 30th birthday. He's the last in my group of friends to turn 30 so that means I don't have to go to anymore birthday parties until we all turn 40. This past weekend marks the 4th weekend in a row I've gone "out". Plan "B" doesn't party like he used....mostly cuz he's broke! You know the party was a good time when you puke and that's exactly what my buddy Rocky did. He was a one man barf-o-rama! Happy birthday Rocky!
Speaking of throwing up...did you happen to catch SNL this weekend?? Ugh... this show just keeps getting worse n worse. They did a Tiger Woods sketch that was 'meh' at best but Keenan Thompson is just horrendous and his portrayal of Tiger Woods was garbage. If he wasn't black he wouldn't be on that show.
Back to the subject at hand, puking! Rocky's birthday barf got me thinking of my own vomiting experiences. So, here are my Top 5 alcohol/drug induced vomit stories.
NUMBER 5:
Back in the day we used to have the illest block party on my street. It was a tradition that started when I was a young boy and continued til I was in college. During those college years we'd get FUCK'D up! Mad kegs n what not... anyways, I had eaten too many burgers that day and during intermission of a massive 'flip cup' game I stumbled over to a near by garbage can and puked. Turns out a bunch of neighbors were standing right behind the garbage can and as I'm throwing up I hear my friends mother utter, "oh, B!" Good times!
NUMBER 4:
Christmas Eve of 2004 I got really drunk at my cousins house, they live in Albany. I was crushing Jack n Cokes all day, damn near finished the whole bottle for self! I was bent! Toward the end of the night I found myself laying on the ground singing christmas tunes and quoting Anchorman. After a brutal 3 hour drive back home I bust out of the car and immediately throw up on the sidewalk. With my parents proudly watching on I make it up the steps only to throw up again. I look up at my disgusted mother and with barf hanging from my lips say "merry christmas mom!"
NUMBER 3:
College was a crazy time for me, that's why it only lasted 3 semesters. 2nd semester I find myself celebrating St. Patrick's Day in a college known for it's hard partying ways. A whole bunch of us were partying in my room and I drank a 12 pak before heading out to the bars...oh yea, and we smoke a ton of hash too! An hour later I find myself getting arrested for public urination! On the bus ride back to campus I puked on the empty seat next to me. I got off at the next stop and walked the rest of way.
NUMBER 2:
The first time I ever got drunk was my senior year in high school. I didn't drink or do drugs in high school because I didn't need to, I was already the coolest kid in school! Senior year a bunch of us crashed another high schools party. I'm slugging a 6'r of Bud Ice having a great time! Next thing I know all out war breaks out! One of the biggest fights I had ever seen. In the midst of the chaos I see this kid (from the other HS) get a 40oz broken over his head. His face was covered in blood and he was getting stomped out like people were trying to put out a fire. It was brutal and gross. We flee the scene as the cops show up and I'm on the verge of puking. On the ride home I tell my friend to pull over so i can throw up, he does and so do I. After I boot we continue to drive and I'm yelling at him to drive slower, he was going like 15 MPH. Finally, we get back to my friends house and I throw up some more. I made my friend walk me home and he did only because he lived across the street.
NUMBER 1:
A few years ago my buddy was house sitting for some people he knew. They grew mad pot and always hooked him up. So a few of us went over to this place to blaze up. Back then my boy used to smoke out of this triple bubble bong, it was a freaking monster!! I step up and take a few rips off this destroyer and immediately I'm retarded. Then I get this feeling like I'm gonna throw up but I don't want anyone to know I'm gonna puke because they'd make fun of me, so I discretely make my way to the bathroom. I get to the bathroom and lock the door because I don't want someone to barge in on me when I'm puking. Now, shortly before I had gone out that night I had eaten some pizza...we'll get back to that. So here I am, in the bathroom of this house about the throw up after taking monster hits off a triple bubble bong. I start throwing up and during the puking process these chunks of undigested pizza crust gets lodged in my throat. I start choking! I can't breath, my legs are kicking around and I'm banging on my chest trying to get the pizza freed from my throat! The whole time I'm gagging I get the feeling that I'm gonna die on this bathroom floor and nobody will be able to help me because I locked the door! Finally, I get the pizza unclogged and a take a huge gasp of air. I laid on the bathroom floor for a minute until I collected myself and went back out to join my friends and pretended like nothing happened.
Drinking is cool but drinking too much SUCKS. Drink responsibly friends.
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